I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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