Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
well most of my day revolves around power hour
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
