If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
