I want to make a zoo with you.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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