this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
