i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
