She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize