nutella sex= disaster
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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