Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
