it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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