I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
