he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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