There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
