Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
