I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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