I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
