I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
