you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
