How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
