Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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