someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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