My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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