Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
