My liver just broke up with me...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize