forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
