do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
