I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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