thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
