The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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