the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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