so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
