I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize