We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
