My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
