Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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