I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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