mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize