i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
