Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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