I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
