why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Boobs are out for the taking
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
