Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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