i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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