You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
