Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
