dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
as a side note pls kill me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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