i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have already put on my inside pants.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
