Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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