My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
