I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
