i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Little spoons don't ask big questions
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
