can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
