and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
