i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize