Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
