Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
