you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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