I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
