you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
