I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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