Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
