Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
