You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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