i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
