Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
