Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
